BY MASTIFF OF AR
        I have no counter-earthly idea where this column is going to go, or what I may want to  say, but I do hope it will be interesting.  Seriously, I'm as clueless as Lindsey Lohan  and Paris Hilton in a physics lab.  It does seem that when I write I aim for comedy  value, so you might be right if you guessed this would follow along that vein.  I've  written about many issues, but really haven't ever done much with current events,  particularly if they didn't directly affect what we believe.  This is going to change.   I'm going to write about who I want (although they'll probably never know it…), when I  want (most likely weeks after the event…), and how I want!  Perhaps that's where we'll  get some Gorean content.  So hopefully you'll stay with me and see where this thing  lands.

        With that said, there is something that irks me to no end.  There are many homepages  people use, but one that many use is Yahoo!  This old man uses it.  What stuns me is  the 44 little blurbs that are intended to spark my interest that scroll across my  screen like it were Times Square.  So for this first publication, I'm just going to  write what I know and tie in where I can.  This is my sampling from a typical forty- four panel over a random few weeks:

        First we always have sporting news.  Unfortunately, many of these tales fall into the  odd or sympathetic category, and that really isn't news about sports.  This day we had  "Highest Paid Coaches" as a highlight.  Good to know someone who tells men how to throw  a ball in a hoop makes sixty times my salary, but maybe I'm just jealous.  Oh, and one  other thing.  Some female coach made it to the game a few hours after giving birth.   Forget the pick and roll, this was a "pluck and roll!"  Dedication is a good thing, but  really, what was she chewing.  And finally, we have the adolescents of sports…  how  many times are we going to see this before it's tiresome?  This particular week we  watched an eight year old wrestler tossing around other young opponents, mainly because  he was bigger and stronger.  Isn't that just crazy?  Also, the huge coincidence that  two former baseball players boys are on the same team in high school!  Okay fine, but  just call me when the little kid tosses around a full grown opponent, and when the odds  of two sons from nearly 20,000 men of Major League Baseball attending the same school  out of a pool of 25,000 are less than most Vegas games.  Finally, there is NASCAR.  Now  now, don't go crazy racing fans, even though it's a shorter trip for some than others.   Right now you have that lull between the end of football, the beginning of March  Madness, baseball, and racing, and nothing but hockey is happening.  So really the  biggest chewers here are the sports fans who just can't get by without some tidbit on  which to gnaw.  Ever wonder what a Free Woman would look like at NASCAR?  I did.   Because I think auto racing is the closest thing to tarn racing we have in sports. 

        Enjoy!
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Next we have the usual mix of entertainment and frankly, the lack of it.  Take Mike  Myers "secret wedding" for example.  I've enjoyed Myers from Wayne's World to Austin Powers, but I'm not up for Shrek.  So, five or six months ago he got married, and it's hitting the news.  Yahoo needs a better definition of "secret."  It isn't so much a  secret, it's just most people didn't give a whit. But what has been really been all over the internet news has been the great drama over the comedy that is Two and a Half  Men. You know, that's the one where they pay Charlie Sheen to be a drunken whoremonger over a million dollars an episode, then had a fight because he's a… drunken  whoremonger.  Now, anyone who knows me realizes I enjoy good sul-paga.  In fact, I like bad sul-paga, too. And the Priest-Kings know I surely like a good wench as well!  But the fact is I don't let it interfere with my job, and for the most part, neither has  Sheen. Truly, if anything, he gives the writers all the material they need to create  the show, and the show makes a fortune. If only I could do the same drinking and  wenching…  So, I think they should both chew less and get back to work, because it is a  damn funny show. The latest was "the winner" running around the talk show circuit and  an attempt at live comedy called "The Torpedo of Truth."  But it ends up that the truth is without funny people writing funny things for him to say, Ol' Chuck just ain't very  funny.  Latest update now is that Ashton Kutcher is going to replace Sheen, and the "Torpedo" tour tickets aren't worth the price… which was free.  All of them had way too much to chew.
        Oh, can anyone tell me exactly how many red carpets there are out there?  I mean,  seriously, every time I turn on my computer I'm inundated with all the "stars" who've  been photographed in attire made by fabulous designers.  I'm not sure those designers  ever do anything else, actually, as I never see people wearing that kind of stuff  around town.  It goes on to tell us how great some looked, how some bombed, and others  don't get a mention.  I can't tell the difference.  Not sure what you have to chew to  tell, but I obviously have not.  I did notice Sarah Jessica Parker had a hairdo that  made her head about two ah-ils wide, and the expert hair pundits went on and on about  this faux pas.  It seemed fine to me, really… since it made her nose look like it actually fit on her face.  But what do I know?
        Finally, there is the constant tips on where to live, what to drive, where to work, how  to save money, and other advice.  Just today I see "U.S. Cities Unaffected by Bad  Economy" in a little box, and "Best U.S. Cities to Buy a Home."  The former are Austin,  TX, Washington, D.C., Augusta, GA, Madison, WI, and Boulder, CO.  The latter are Tulsa  and Oklahoma City, OK, Utica… ah, screw it, you don't care.  Just know that none make  both lists.  So, what am I to make of this information?  If I live in a good economy  city I suppose I have to rent, but if I live in a good house city I can't afford to buy  one?  What if I don't live in any of them?  I suppose I either have to move or I'm  screwed.  I know if I do relocate to one of them and they change the list, someone is  going to get beaten like a slave with undiagnosed Tourette 's syndrome.

        Well, that's it for this time around.  I hope you enjoyed it and if you didn't, click the link below to visit the comment section linked from here to express outrage or whatever you like.  And  remember, just because your eyes are green, doesn't mean you've been chewing!
I mean, ladies… How could you resist?
Winning - Not what it used to be.
Soon to play the part of the Cowardly Lion in The Wiz